#3 "What A frightening thing is the human, a mass of gauges and dials and registers, but we can read only a few and those perhaps not accurately."

The quote by which my blog title is derived comes from the wise words of John Steinbeck. I'm supposed to talk about my first love and although this quote may seem a bit weird while thinking about a first love I find this one fitting. I met my first love when I was a freshman in high school (where most of us meet our first loves or at least the ones we think we love) at a high school basketball game where she accidentally hit me in the face while gesturing to a group of friends. She apologized repeatedly and all I said was "That's fine, but now you owe me a phone number" to which she replied with a smile, "Phone number?" "Yes, preferably yours." I know, I know. I was a suave son of a bitch as a freshman. Maybe I had watched too many movies, but remarkably it worked. As a first date we went to see Cruel Intentions. I bought the soundtrack the next day.

That relationship lasted four years up until my freshman year of college (she was a year older); that dreaded relationship beast of foreign experience. The crazy thing is that we did not end for the reasons many high school flames fizzle out or perhaps in retrospect it ended for those exact reasons.

She was a sweet girl. One of those girl next door types. Wonderful family. Great heart. Unfortunately, there were a number of variances in thought and ideals. I am an extrovert. She was a little shyer than most. For some reason, she also had some issues with self-esteem which extended into trust issues. Now, you see, in my adolescent naivety, these were things I thought I could help to fix, but four years into the journey I was beginning to understand I was wrong. So, in my infinite wisdom, instead of waging the constant war of questions that led to arguments founded in distrust, I opted to withhold certain aspects of my current life as a senior. These aspects were innocent enough, but my significant other of my former did not seem to agree. Most of the arguments dealt with other girls I was friends with or any girl in particular. Again, issues that stemmed from self-esteem. Now, I don't want to paint an ugly or disrespectful portrait of this girl, but there were certain moments I felt were ridiculous and unwarranted. To make a long story short, I had a friend who happened to be female and was a few years younger that I had met my senior year. We became fast friends and I felt we had a lot in common. This was a purely friendly relationship. In fact, she was battling with homosexual feelings as a high school adolescent. But due to my current situation and relational shortcomings, I did not tell my girlfriend about this girl or our friendship. In the end, she found out about the girl and asked me and for the first time in our relationship I lied. Well, I got caught in that lie, as well. Now although the relationship ended pretty abruptly it lasted a few weeks due to the fact that we were all we knew of love.

Cut to a number of months later, I ran into this person during winter break. During this hiatus, I had become aware she had started dating a guy who just happened to be the only guy I ever accused her of getting to flirtatious with during our relationship. The conversation that ensued started off friendly enough although fairly awkward. Then, she asked if I had been dating and although I had I was in no hurry to rush into anything. So, I told her I had not. To which she replied in the sincerest manner (and I truly believe this, so please don't mistake it for sarcasm), "Danny, I think it is time you do." Now, I'm sure most men would have been irate over such a comment, but I took it as an opportunity to get a lot off my chest in the least malicious fashion I could muster. My dialogue is as follows:

"I appreciate your concern, but I don't need you to tell me how or when I should start dating. To be honest, I know who you are dating and have specific thoughts concerning that, but we are no longer a couple and I have dealt with that. If he makes you happy, then I'm happy for you. Maybe, he can help you to overcome all the things that I failed to. But I don't need for you to tell me that. What I need more than anything at this particular moment, and I truly believe you need it too, is to find out who I am without you, because I've found that, during a time where it is crucial to understand that concept, I only know that person. And to tell you the truth, I'm enjoying the process. I know that I lied and it caused all of this, but what I've come to realize is that I never should've had to. That is not to put the blame on you, but let's be fair. So, we can say hello and I'll be civil. I'll wave and smile. But don't pretend you know what you're doing and don't tell me that."

Which brings me to the quote and to those of you who lasted this far into this diatribe, thank you. The truth is that we are all a "mass of gauges and dials" and it is incredibly difficult to decipher one's self let alone another human being, but that is what relationships are about; reading those dials and gauges. Sometimes, we understand them and can begin to operate the machine. Other times, we cannot, but rarely do we come to this realization easily or without scars.

That girl taught me a great deal. She taught me how to love someone unconditionally. She taught me how it feels to be loved. We shared the most awkward moments as well as intimate ones. She made me realize that you should never compromise your friends for a relationships, but more importantly you should never be asked to. She taught me what I wanted in a relationship as well as what I could do without.